Mailbox Molesters

Bret Burquest writes on the Salem, Arkansas News Web site that "mailbox molesters" come in many forms.

According to Bret, there are....

Mailbox Shooters -- Unlike other mailbox molesters, this dangerous jerk is often a loner. He gets a thrill out of shooting defenseless items, such as mailboxes, with little regard for where or how far the bullet will travel. To prove his manhood, he'll fire multiple rounds to make sure the mailbox is dead.

Mailbox Bombers -- These boneheads hang out in small packs, often three to six idiots deep, and get their jollies by placing explosives, usually a powerful firecracker, in a mailbox. They've also been known to videotape the event so they can enjoy watching their destruction over and over again. Law enforcers also enjoy playing the videotapes over and over again, especially in court.

Mailbox Maulers -- Good-ol-boys with red necks and rocks for brains get their kicks by hooting and hollering and creating mayhem. They drive battered old trucks with expired tags and no mufflers. When they spot a row of innocent mailboxes, they put the pedal to the metal and mow them down in one lethal pass. Then they hoot and holler on down the road, wondering why society frowns on their existence.

Mailbox Bashers -- Bashing is a two-idiot team sport. The driver veers close to the mailbox while the basher smashes the mailbox with a baseball bat or a rock as they drive by. Instead of hooting and hollering like maulers, they tend to snort and snicker. Bashers are maulers without the swagger.

Mailbox Benders -- The bender is an amateur molester. He'll drive his vehicle up to the mailbox and maneuver against it, then bulldoze the mailbox into a bad angle. He doesn't really want to hurt anyone -- he just wants to let you know he hates you, even if he doesn't know you.

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