Top Ten Ways the United States Postal Service Can Turn Things Around
9. Invent a stamp that licks back.
8. Add wacky sound effects for mailboxes.
7. Alter mail trucks to look like Millennium Falcon from "Star Wars."
6. If your letter isn't delivered in 30 minutes or less, it's free.
5. Bedazzled uniforms.
4. New hit reality show: "Real Mailmen of New Jersey."
3. Customers can now pay with gas, grass or ass.
2. Take the Packers and give three-and-a-half tomorrow night."
1. Ten percent surcharge to deliver my hate mail. You'll make millions.